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Top 10 Reasons Why I Will Never Be a Vegetarian

1. Bacon in general, but the BLT sandwich in particular. Because it’s damn good. And it contains all the food groups: grains (in the  bread), vegetables (lettuce), fruits (tomatoes are a fruit, botanically speaking), meat (the bacon), and dairy…..well, you’ll just have to drink a glass of milk with it.

2. Sushi and sashimi. Fresh, raw fish. I could eat it every day, with or without the rice.

3. Beef. Because textured vegetable protein bourguignon is just never gonna catch on.

4. Tacos al pastor. Have you ever had a vegetarian taco? I rest my case.

5. Barbecue. When I say barbecue I am talking about pork. Y’all can go on back to Texas and Kansas City with your beef brisket. Nothing against brisket, mind you, I just prefer it corned or pastami-ed.

6. Fried Chicken Skin. If it were an option, I would buy an entire bucket of chicken skin at KFC. And eat it. Alone.

7. Duck Fat. Need I say more?

8. Corned Beef. Because without corned beef ,  cabbage is just cabbage. With corned beef it’s corned beef and cabbage. Big difference.

9. Hot Dogs. Charred on a grill. Blistered over a campfire skewered on a green stick. Floating in dirty water on a New York cart. It doesn’t matter. Except when you put ketchup on it, then you’re f***ing it up.

10. Foie Gras. Umami  personified. Each palate-coating bite is almost, but not quite, too rich. Foie gras, it’s what’s for dessert. Because once I eat it I know nothing else will come close to being that good, so I might as well eat it last.

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